Saturday June 24 2017

I'm not myself anymore.
The emptiness in my heart is deafening.
I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to talk to anyone.
I'm just spent. Can't picture my future.
If I could crawl under a rock and disappear nobody would miss me much.
Besides my daughter, who tries, her way, but just can't handle her sad mom at the moment. My granddaughter who I live very much, isn't much interested in coming over since the computer is fucked up. And oma can't afford to buy her treats. Or pay for her games online.
She likes it here because oma has the food she likes. I guess at home with seven people in the family there's no raiding the fridge, or having popcorn and Coke when she wants it.
I can't stop crying.
The last few weekends I spent in bed, watching TV with the sound off.
Physically I feel numb.
I don't care anymore.
I look like crap

I do try to eat right. No sweets, no pop.

I keep getting books from the library but never read them


Took Boo to the cat shelter the other day. She was excited. She lived it. And yes, so did I. Just to hold the kitties and the older cats was so soothing.
I can't afford to get one.  Adoption fee, pet deposit here at the apartment. Extra rent.
And then the stuff you need.....
Take down my breakables and plants. Vet bills....
And I'm still waiting for a smaller apartment....

My doctor is not going to be happy with me.

There are very few, three exactly, ladies who get me. And I'm so grateful for them.

My family overseas is pulling away too. Guess my maudlin ways turn them off and they just really don't understand.

My dearest aunt died a few months before David. And last year in holland I was blessed to spend some time with my uncle.
We were both so emotional. Both still hurting so much.
Well, he died on may 29th.
Just like my mom, died if a broken heart, body just gave up.

It would not surprise me if I go that same route.

It's the only thing that makes sense any more.

These new drugs

SInce my glucose reading was way up, Dr. A. upped the dosage of Metformin, from 500mg once a day to 1000mg twice a day.

Not good. Too high a dosage, Lots of hot flashes (low bloodsugar)

So I am going halfsies on that.

He put me back on Lexapro. Which will probaly take a few days to hit the spot, but at least I got them before my trip.

Added Amlopedine to my BP meds. 

I'm going home with a suitcase full of medicine, like an old lady. Ridiculous!

I've tried very hard to eat stuff that is good for me. No more ice cream, no more sweet stuff.
I hope all this will settle soon and I'll start feeling halfway normal again.

Today is Sunday. I hate Sundays. For some reason they really depress me.
Thank God I had Boo this weekend. It made all the difference in the world.

I'm hoping my glucose meter thingie will arrive before I go, so I can get used to it and figure out how to use it.

The trip itself still gives me hyves. I am not looking forward to it. Feeling very anxious. Perhaps it will feel better once I sit in the plane. Who knows.

Getting old is not for sissies

SGMKJ

Haircut....check!

Passport....check!

miniature shampoo, toothpaste, etcetera.....check!

books for reading......check!

Adapter for my charger.....check!

I need special program on my phone in order to use it in Holland....will cost $10 per day
Is it worth it? That's $140......still thinking that one over

Got myself back on the waiting list for a smaller apartment.....check!
I don't qualify for the really cheap one, because my income is too high LOLOL

Brother!

But at least it will be a big difference.

Now we wait.

Boo joined the chorus at school.
I hope she likes it. She has a beautiful voice. She needs a hobby.
Spider started her job at Target. Whoopee!

And I am just going with the flow here. Crocheting another blankie, reading another book, going to bed early, but feeling pretty good.

So there!

SGMKJ

Being prepared, or being shit bat paranoid...

The yo yo-ing between bank and PayPal and eBay has been to say the least frustrating.

Even though everything I sold has been shipped, half of it has arrived, PayPal is holding on to my money until September.
This doesn't seem fair.
In order to pay for some shipping, I tried transferring some money from my bank account to PayPal. the bank released the money, PayPal tells me it won't be available until the 29th.

It was tricky to get every item shipped. But it's done.
I suppose I will just have to sit back and be patient.
The last money to be released will be September 9th.
Ridiculous!

I am so done with eBay.
Even though the system itself has become easier to use, it's not at all easy for people who are starting from scratch.
Your years of selling is not considered. Perhaps it has been too many years.

Oh well.
It's done.

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday.

Everything is UP

Blood pressure UP

Weight UP

glucose count UP
(no more pre-diabetic) guess I am now diabetic.

Doctor sat down in front of me, looked me in the eyes and said. You are still depressed.
He said that while reaching for the box of tissues.
Smart fellow.
The boo hoo's came a-rolling.
He patiently let me have my hissy fit.

Then started to write scripts

Back on Prozac and Lexapro

Increased my diabetes meds

Increased my blood pressure meds

Gave me some new sleeping pills to try out
(I asked him because I will need them when I am in Holland)

The thing I really need to do is MOVE, get OUT, stop sitting around all day.

And eat responsibly. RIGHT!

I really thought I was over the hump. But I'm not. I still cry at the thought of my David, still cry because everything is still such  a mess.

I need to get through this. Need to let it flow, but also take steps to get better.

I am very ambivalent about my trip.

I feel the urge to get prepared, in case something happens to me.
Making a list of all my accounts, passwords, phone numbers, cremation papers, etc etc.
So my kids won't have a bear of a time if and when the time comes.
I don't have a will, but I really don't have much.
A holographic will is not legal in Georgia.
I'll just make a them a list instructions of things that need to be done, and stuff they need to "keep"
ike Oma's tea service, David's medals, our wedding rings, our letters the photo albums

Once I've done all that I'll force myself to get in the mood for my trip.

Me and my little mascot Slick.

My trip promises to be a time of visits with old friends, promised long walks with my sister. (argh)
Much laughter, I am sure.

And probably much crying as well, as we are still smarting from our parents' deaths.
And our favorite relatives.

It's the age, they say.
You're almost 70, they say
It's life, they say

yeah,
I know

SGMKJ

Onward and Upward

Finally!!
I finished the whole kaboodle on eBay.
Sold - got paid - spent a fortune on packing materials - packed everything up -took everything to the post office.

DONE!

Amazing how much people are willing to spend on dishes that are over 20 years old!

But then, they were good old dishes, popular and durable.

I'll miss them, but my life has changed.
These dishes were so darn heavy.
So I choose a set that was much cheaper and totally different, and much lighter.
No pun intended. haha.

Boo was not impressed. Oh well.

The Olympics are a thing of the past again.
I watched the swimming, the track and field, the diving, the gymnastics.
Overall I wasn't impressed.
I didn't even watch the closing ceremonies.

Maybe I'm becoming jaded.

So now it's time to prepare for my trip home.
I've started to pick the clothes I am taking.

Got myself a little travel mascot named Slick.
He is the miniature Slick of the big one Boo has (which has been used/loved and washed so many times that it looks more like roadkill.

13 More days and I will gather all my willpower and guts together and travel to the airport and get on a plane.

It never bothered me before.
I flew all over the place hundreds of times.
I am not so brave now.
Don't know why.
 But I should really put my confidence cap on and try and get excited.
I am going to see my old friends after all, and my relatives.
Should be fun.
Right?

Spider is taking me, we're taking my car, so she can use it for the time being.

She has a job!!!

Started training at Target.

She is excited.

Needs the money like CRAZY!

Yup, Momma's ATM is permanently closed now.
No more bailing out.

As for my grieving thing....

I find myself finding "stuff" that I really don't need to hang onto.

Like the box of music Wheelie wrote in high school and college.
No one is going to play it. It wasn't very interesting.
So out it went.
The only piece I thought was worth while I sent to Spider's old Music teacher, thinking he might be interested. Never heard a word about it.

I'll keep his medals and his scrapbook and his old running shirts.

Spider took his yearbooks.

The other kids got whatever they wanted. Which wasn't a whole lot, and I don't even remember what I sent his son. Bunch of old pictures I think.

I am just left with the memories.
Trying to forget the crappy times, and concentrate on the many happy ones.

I am starting to realize that Wheelie really let me do what I wanted.
Every time I wanted to move.
No problem
Wanted a vacation
No problem
Wanted to step out and have a few flings
No problem
Wanted to get rid of his dogs when Spider was a baby and I thought they would harm her
THAT was a problem, but he did it.
One of the few times I saw him cry, after he came back from the vet.

Maybe he was afraid to lose me.
We both had some dreadful marriages/relationships before
He wasn't about to let me go.
And I'm glad he held on.
Stoic as ever.
I am grateful that I was able to take care of him until the very end.

The end was HIS way
Finally, he got to do it HIS way.


SGMKJ

Karma.............

Today I decided to try and find where baby daddy/sperm donater is incarcerated, since he doesn't show up on the local county jail list anymore.

They shipped him to the south of Georgia. In the middle of nowhere.

And there was his (LONG) rap sheet.
Nothing hugely criminal. Burglary, forgery, parole violations, etc etc
and just being a plain dumb ass.
Since he screwed up his parole one last time they threw the book at him.

20 years!

But he is eligible for parole in 2020.
Imagine that!!

That's when Boo will be entering high school.

The more I read about it, and the more I brooded about his holier than thou frigging family, I got myself madder and madder.
To the point where I was ready to send him a very long and nasty letter.

He now owes his child $33.000 in back child support.

His family more than once bailed him out. Let him mess up over and over.
Because he was being SO good. Found the LORD. blah blah blah
In the meantime we were helping raise the baby, and supporting the daughter.

The $33.000 was a bout the amount we had in savings..

All gone.

House foreclosed
Filed bankruptcy

Schlepping poor Wheelie and his shrinking body to another home/apartment.

And never an offer to contribute from his parents. Oh, they wanted to see their grand baby, play with her, do the fun stuff.
But we would have appreciated some $$$$$ once in a while
Have them pay childcare
Buy her clothes
Hell, even a box of diapers would have been welcome.

No, they just prayed and prayed and left it all up to Jezus.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't have anything about religious people.
I know (especially lately) some very devout folks, ones that just GIVE from the heart, and don't beat you up about their beliefs.

Whatever rows your boat is my motto.

But they are just simply bigots. Redneck bigots.

SO I was going through my FB and read about a friend of a friend of mine who is undergoing gruweling cancer radiation treatments.
And I thought. Girl, you need to turn that anger into sunshine!
SO I am going to send this poor lady one of my afghans.
That's what I make them for after all.
Not to sell and make a profit
But to make people feel comfy during a terrible time.

It did make me feel better, and more humble.

I won't write that letter, and I keep the family blocked on my FB.

I just need to get myself back on track and love again.
Stop the cycle of anger and futile impotence

Much better for the blood pressure too!

Goodnight!

SGMKJ