Hendrika (Riek) Theodora Blok - Van Straaten
April 13, 1923 - December 19, 2011


At the end of your journey
you will pause, turn around, and look back

You gaze at the people who stay behind
The children you raised, you cared for, you loved so dearly

You think of all the miles you traveled
The stops, the U-turns, the potholes in the road

You will smile at the memories of laughter, feel sad about the tears that were shed
The pain you endured
The frustration of dealing with stubborn teenagers, who were themselves trying so hard to find their own roads to travel
Your heart breaking when those roads took them far away from you
The joy of realizing that eventually the all came back to the main road

The way your heart overflowed with love and wonder, as you held your very first grandchild in your arms.
The joy of watching many more grandchildren and their children coming along.

You will glow thinking of the love of your life
How you managed to hold on to his hand until it was time for him to end his own journey.

You know that your life was beautiful, you were loved by all of us.

You can turn now knowing that love will sustain us forever.

So go, dearest Mama, go finish your journey.

Step over the threshold of Heaven, grab the hand of your love

and rest in peace forever.

Thank you for everything

The Old Guard is Slowing Down

A few months ago, my Mom had some blood work done, and the docs were afraid she had leukemia. So they set her up for a bone marrow biopsy.
Needless to say this news got us all worried and in a tizzy.
She had to have the test done in a hospital in The Hague, as opposed to the one next door to her.
The biopsy went well, they extracted some marrow from her hip as well as some bone. It was an uncomfortable procedure, but she did well, and had no after pain.
Then the waiting started.
On October 4th they went back to the hospital to get the results and discuss her options.
It was my brother's turn to take her.

It turns out she doesn't have leukemia. She has Myelodysplastic Syndrome, which is a bone marrow disease. In some cases this will turn into acute leukemia however.
So now they are going to check her blood every four weeks, to see if the situation is getting worse, or will turn out to be more of a chronic nature.
She might need regular blood transfusions in the future.

It really is a bit too much for her. She is 88, has heart failure, and her kidneys are working at only 40%. And now this.
She is also depressed and anxious, and is still grieving deeply for my father.
I feel rather helpless, being so far away, and considering the situation at home, not much of a chance to visit in the near future.

Then there is her older sister in Australia. 93 Years old. Vascular dementia. Heart problems, and history of strokes.
She has been having a few episodes where she needed to be hospitalized for various reasons. But she seems to pop up again after every crisis.

The girls in this family are tough old birds I tell ya. The oldest passed away a few years ago at the age of 94. Then the next one to 'go' was the auntie I took care of here. She was 90 when she died.
There is a brother, who turned 90. Then my Mom and then another sister who is 85.
They all have their health problems, but somehow they stick it out.
Amazing.

Here at home things are steady. Wheelie is depending on me more and more to assist him. We've started talking about the future, how we will handle things once he becomes to difficult for me to handle.
It will take me a while to start the ball rolling. I need to call the state's Council for Seniors, see if I can get someone to assess the situation and get some advice.

But right now I am still adjusting to being on Prozac. It seems to be working. My anxiety attacks are becoming less and less. My whole attitude is changing. I seem to have a lot more patience, and have more kind feelings.

It's also becoming much easier to say "no" as well.

And that's a good thing.

Fall is here. I love the temperatures. I even love the occasional rain.

SGMKJ

The ZEN of supermarket

These days I get my quiet and ME time just going grocery shopping. Since the summer was hot hot hot for three months, I usually would go first thing in the morning, after Wheelie was dressed and fed.
Amazing how peaceful you get when you walk through the isles with your shopping cart, just pleasantly zoning out. I get a lot of: May I help you, ma'am? Guess people notice I'm wandering aimlessly.
It calms me down though, enjoy it very much.

So yes, the summer was long and hot. We didn't go out much at all, except when it was absolutely necessary.

I did have a good time on my trip home. Although it was exhausting. I got so tired that I got really sick one night. Just purging everything I guess.

Mom's birthday was fun. The trip to Friesland was wonderful. Mom loved her surprise. She had always wanted to go to Jopie Huisman's museum.
I marveled at how old my old country is, and that there are still so many areas where time seems to have stood still. Beautiful landscapes, little villages, farms, healthy looking livestock everywhere. Plus we had gorgeous weather.

The day with my old friends was amazing. We ate and talked all day. So good to catch up with those girls.
The evening with my old co-worker was also a success. He spent his life working for the government and had many great stories about his travels and his life. It also helped that he brought flowers and pastries. Yumm.

Bugs, Boo and Philip went to the Gulf coast for a well deserved vacation. They had a super time. Even went to see the dolphins. It was Boo's first time at the beach, and she loved it!

And here we are, tomorrow it will be October again. The weather is finally becoming cooler and so much more pleasant.

Wheelie is slowing down though. A few months ago he had a cold. It took a toll. It seems that his arms and legs became weaker, and I had to start helping him out with dressing, bathroom stuff. It promptly threw out my back. I had to take it very easy for about three weeks. It was a challenge.

Boo was at our house 6 days a week. Not all day, but after school, sometimes overnight, it was getting too much for Oma.
I started having anxiety attacks again. So one Monday morning I snuck into Dr. Tim's office without an appointment and without telling anyone.
As always, he lent me a sympathetic ear. He decided to put me on Prozac. He also told me it was time I stopped babysitting.

So I had a few talks with Bugs. Explained to her that it was time I got myself better, so I could take care of Pop. The time has come that Oma priorities change course. Oma needs to regroup, get better, start moving, and flip the internal switch. Pay more attention to Wheelie, physically and mentally and emotionally.
We had slipped into a, not altogether uncomfortable, way of life, which was getting to the point where we spent most our day in opposite rooms, not talking. He doing his thing, me staying on my bed watching TV with the sound down, or reading.
I gained ten pounds last year. I look like shit. I have no energy to DO anything. It takes a great effort to just keep the house tidy, keep the laundry clean, cook dinner, and doing the dishes. Driving to pick up Boo every day was getting to be a chore. Her hyper nature driving me nuts.

Since taking the Prozac I've started to feel a subtle change. Every day this week I managed to do one big project.
One day I cleaned Boo's room. Got out all her old clothes and baby toys, sorted all her other stuff, books, etc.
The other day I cleaned everything in the bedroom. After a few months of eBay I needed to organize and put away the packing stuff, boxes, tubes, put away the ironing board which I use for packing table.
Yesterday I cleaned the garage. Actually took the vacuum cleaner and did a serious number on the nooks and crannies.
The 'normal' housewife would probably scoff at these accomplishments, but they were huge for me.

I stopped feeling guilty about taking time to rest. My anxiety attacks are less often, but they still come, but are manageable.
I really worry about the future. Right now Wheelie is doing okay. But I am always waiting for something to happen.
He had a bone density test, and the doctor diagnosed him with osteoporosis.
So now I'm afraid his bones will snap.
It hasn't gotten to the point yet where I need professional help with him, but I worry when it will come. Where do I go. Will we be able to afford it.

Basically, life is on the fence. Quiet before the storm. I need to concentrate on TODAY only. The meds seem to be helpful.
We shall see.

SGMKJ

Wow! Has is really been THAT long??

It's March 10, 2011.
After a few warm weeks the weather decided to give us some more winter, so after a day of soaking rain, we now have winds and cold yucky weather.

I am gearing up for my trip to Holland (April 7) in time for Mom's 88th birthday. After paying way too much last year I was able to use my frequent flyer points and get a practically free ticket this time.

I am ambivalent about going. Wanting to meet a few old friends, but not wanting to leave Wheelie to fend for himself.
Oh, we know Bugs will take care of him, but this past year has taken a bit of a toll on his condition. Things just don't work as well as they did a year ago.

But, like my sister insists, I NEED to get out, if only for a week. Try and have some fun, not to worry or think about "home"

Mom is doing a little better after she was hooked up with an organization that takes care of seniors like her, who needs a little push in the back.
She was very depressed and back and forth in the hospital. She definitely needed some psych help, which she is now (reluctantly) getting. Of course knowing that I'll be coming over perked her right up too.

So we shall see. I am looking forward to meeting with an old work chum of mine. A recent widower. We worked together when I lived in Holland for a few years in the 70s. We send each other Christmas cards and birthday cards every year, and have kept in touch.
Then I am having a little reunion with my girls from the old neighborhood.
On Tuesday my sister and I are taking Mom way up to Friesland to visit a museum, spending the night at a nice little hotel.
On Sunday we will have our annual birthday party with everyone in the family. The first time without my father.

I am also hoping to meet and visit with some of my cousins. We'll see how it all goes.

At home things are rather quiet. No big dramas.
Boo-boo is growing and getting very smart. Hard to believe she is turning 4 in April.
Bugs, Philip and Boo are going on a real family vacation in May, they are going to the beach! They are so excited about it!

Next Wednesday Bugs will have another court date for the damn child support. The wheels of government turn ever so slow, but I guess things are happening. He hasn't paid his child support since I wrote last back in December.
His parents moved to an apartment, and his father had to close his pretty obsolete business of TV repair.
We haven't heard from them, they probably finally got the memo that we are not interested in having them in our lives.

Depending on what happens on Wednesday, I hope Bugs will be able to file a motion to have Daddy permanently removed as Boo's father. That way he won't have to pay anymore, and everyone can go their merry way....you hope...

We shall see.

Right now it's time to drag Boo out of the bathtub. Get her ready for bed.

SGMKJ

It was only a matter of time

Daddy didn't pay his child support this month.
It was only a matter of time. Bugs received three payments. Now she will contact DFCS in January and drag him into court again. This time to make him renounce his parenthood.

Or whatever you call that.

She's fed up. He owes her over $11,000.00!!!

Of course we have no idea what's happening with him. Bugs told him that she would honor his request for contact, but that she wanted to talk with him first before he was to see Boo.
She has not heard from him since she wrote him. I told her it would only be a matter of time before he would lapse and get into drugs again. Wouldn't surprise me if that was the case.

In the meantime, Boo is getting very fond of Phillip, she is comfortable calling him Daddy. No one told her to call him that, she just started it automatically.
He does what Daddies do. He gets up with her at night when she has a bad dream, he takes her to baseball games, he plays with her, he put together the bike she's getting for Christmas.
I like the way he interacts with her. She listens to him. He is clearly an important person in her life.

So this morning, I could not get the computer to start up. After the initial temper tantrum, I decided to just get a new one. What the hell! This machine was 8 years old. A Dinosaur.

Despite the busy day at Best Buys, I got excellent service from a young man. Someone who took his time, answered my questions, didn't seem to think I was a complete computer moron.
When he suggested this particular machine I asked him: would you buy this one for your mom? He said: Yes!
:>)

The Geek Squad was amazing. They prepared my computer for normal use, they took my fried old hard drive and managed to save all my pictures, as well as both of our bookmarks/favorites. (Wheely likes to use Explorer, I like to use Firefox)

Installing the thing was not hard either. And soon we were back on track.

Sigh of relief.

A busy day, driving back and forth between Cartersville and Acworth. Bugs, Boo and I went to get some last minute stuff at Super Target. Boo was in super form today, making people laugh.
She ordered hot chocolate with chips at Starbucks, like a pro.

At home I still had the mountain of gifts to wrap. We only bought stuff for the smallest ones in the family.
I can't wait to watch her open her presents tomorrow, it is really the first year that she is fully aware of what Christmas means.

They are forecasting snow for tomorrow. First rain, then flurries, then perhaps a few inches of the real stuff.

Oh joy!

Bugs and Phillip will cook our dinner tomorrow. Standing rib roast with homemade smashed potatoes and asparagus.

I am looking forward to it.

Merry Christmas y'all!

SGMKJ!

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

Noordeinde, Den Haag

The weather in Europe is frightful. It has been snowing off and on for over a week now, sometimes 3-4 feet. They're not used to it.
I haven't seen this much snow since when I was very very young.

Mom is getting more annoyed every day. She is supposed to spend Christmas with my brother and his family up north. My sister and her beau are supposed to drive her, and the plan is for her to stay until Sunday, when my brother will drive her home again.
This is a 3 hour drive. Nothing for us here in the USA, but in a small country like Holland it might as well be at the other side of the world.

I have the feeling that Mom is silently hoping she won't have to go. She rather wallow and be sad in her apartment.
So we all hope and pray that the snow will be manageable on Friday. My sister is hell bent on taking her. :>)

I found this picture online. It's a street in Den Haag, the neighborhood my father grew up in. The Queen's Palace is on this street. There used to be lots of cool shops on this street, antique stores, a violin maker, bunch of great bakeries, an Indonesian "stuff" store, a carpet store with real Persian carpets. Jewelers, and a stationery store that's still there. The owner's mother lived above the store. The wall of her apartment backed up to the wall of my grandfather's house. They have both been gone now for ages, but when they were still alive she would listen to my grandfather coughing in the morning. If she didn't hear him she would go and check on him.

At this particular time of year, the loss of my father is affecting my family greatly. The first Christmas without him. After so many years of memorable Christmases. We all seem to be dealing with it in our own way.
My sister not wanting to celebrate much and is happy to just hole up in her apartment.
Me searching for old pictures online, dreaming of years gone by.
Mom, feeling hopelessly sad.
My brothers most likely feeling the same emptiness.

Here at home we're dealing with stubborn colds/sinus infections. Bugs has been sent home two nights in a row. She has been so sick. First a virus in her chest, then a sinus infection that doesn't seem to budge. She is in a vicious circle. If she doesn't work she doesn't get paid. If she doesn't have money she can't go to the doctor. So she keeps staying sick. Keeps trying to go to work.

Only in America can you for for a boss who doesn't pay you a salary, where you make your money from tips alone. Only in America do they have the nerve to demand a note from the doctor if you want to stay home sick. A note from the doctor means a visit, and $60.

The cold has been hovering in my own head as well. Dry cough, sneezing, but not stuffed up.
It's been a month now. I need everyone to be healthy again. This is ridiculous.
Thank God Wheelie hasn't caught it yet.

Boo is finally perking up a bit. Right now she is loudly singing: Rudolph the Red nosed Reindeer!!!!!!!!!!! She has been sick for about a month as well. But at least she kicked the virus (B flu) and hasn't had a fever for the past week. Still pale, but she seems to be on the path of recovery.

She has been happily rearranging my Christmas decorations. The stuffed reindeer have seen all the corners of the house, and are currently lined up on the couch.

Boo is managing to learn a few Christmas songs, of which she only knows a few lines, and repeats them ad nauseum. Rudolph, Jingle Bells, and Oh Christmas tree are part of her repertoire. Sometimes it feels like her needle is stuck, but nevertheless it's a grand sound to have a little one singing around the house.

I just tucked her in bed, she's staying over, so Mom can sleep in tomorrow.

It sure doesn't feel much like Christmas, but we're trying.

SGMKJ!

Looking for Tarzan

That's Grandma with Wheelie, Lucille, and Johnny

Lately, Wheelie feels the need to have long conversations with me when we go to bed at night. During the day he doesn't want to "bother" me.
His voice is affected by his Ataxia, and speaking is hard for him, especially when I am flitting around the house, outside his or my earshot.

So at night in bed I am the captive audience, so to speak.
Usually it ticks me off, as the conversations are usually about the movies he has seen that day, about the actors etc. Sometimes he seems to be thinking out loud trying to remember names or places. It ticks me off because I am either reading, or watching a particular TV program. Plus it's hard to understand him.

I know, sounds selfish, but bear with me.


Last night he started talking about the time he was little.
It was June 1946. He was 9 years old. While his grandmother was taking a nap, he and his little sister Lucille put on their bathing suits and started walking. Barefoot. They lived in Oakland, CA. They walked for hours, all the way to Alameda, then back along the Skyline. They were both sunburned, blisters on their feet. A lady stopped her car and asked them if they were lost. Wheelie said: "I'm not, be SHE is," pointing at his sister. :>)
The lady drove them home, where a very worried grandmother had already called Mom at work. Mom was a riveter at the Docks. A real Rosie the Riveter! (It was war time)

When I asked him why they did that, he said: "we were looking for Tarzan."

I so clearly saw in my mind's eye, the two of them in their swim suits, walking along those long streets, up and down the hill.

The point of my story is this: We get so frustrated with the loved ones we care for, we sometimes forget that once they were adorable little children, their entire lives ahead of them, full of dreams, high hopes, ignorant to the dangers, loved and worried about by their parents and others in their orbit.

It made me feel rather ashamed to realize how miffed I get sometimes when he wants to "talk" before his sleep meds kick in.

Just glad he is still with me, that I am able to take care of him.