Friday, September 30, 2011

The ZEN of supermarket

These days I get my quiet and ME time just going grocery shopping. Since the summer was hot hot hot for three months, I usually would go first thing in the morning, after Wheelie was dressed and fed.
Amazing how peaceful you get when you walk through the isles with your shopping cart, just pleasantly zoning out. I get a lot of: May I help you, ma'am? Guess people notice I'm wandering aimlessly.
It calms me down though, enjoy it very much.

So yes, the summer was long and hot. We didn't go out much at all, except when it was absolutely necessary.

I did have a good time on my trip home. Although it was exhausting. I got so tired that I got really sick one night. Just purging everything I guess.

Mom's birthday was fun. The trip to Friesland was wonderful. Mom loved her surprise. She had always wanted to go to Jopie Huisman's museum.
I marveled at how old my old country is, and that there are still so many areas where time seems to have stood still. Beautiful landscapes, little villages, farms, healthy looking livestock everywhere. Plus we had gorgeous weather.

The day with my old friends was amazing. We ate and talked all day. So good to catch up with those girls.
The evening with my old co-worker was also a success. He spent his life working for the government and had many great stories about his travels and his life. It also helped that he brought flowers and pastries. Yumm.

Bugs, Boo and Philip went to the Gulf coast for a well deserved vacation. They had a super time. Even went to see the dolphins. It was Boo's first time at the beach, and she loved it!

And here we are, tomorrow it will be October again. The weather is finally becoming cooler and so much more pleasant.

Wheelie is slowing down though. A few months ago he had a cold. It took a toll. It seems that his arms and legs became weaker, and I had to start helping him out with dressing, bathroom stuff. It promptly threw out my back. I had to take it very easy for about three weeks. It was a challenge.

Boo was at our house 6 days a week. Not all day, but after school, sometimes overnight, it was getting too much for Oma.
I started having anxiety attacks again. So one Monday morning I snuck into Dr. Tim's office without an appointment and without telling anyone.
As always, he lent me a sympathetic ear. He decided to put me on Prozac. He also told me it was time I stopped babysitting.

So I had a few talks with Bugs. Explained to her that it was time I got myself better, so I could take care of Pop. The time has come that Oma priorities change course. Oma needs to regroup, get better, start moving, and flip the internal switch. Pay more attention to Wheelie, physically and mentally and emotionally.
We had slipped into a, not altogether uncomfortable, way of life, which was getting to the point where we spent most our day in opposite rooms, not talking. He doing his thing, me staying on my bed watching TV with the sound down, or reading.
I gained ten pounds last year. I look like shit. I have no energy to DO anything. It takes a great effort to just keep the house tidy, keep the laundry clean, cook dinner, and doing the dishes. Driving to pick up Boo every day was getting to be a chore. Her hyper nature driving me nuts.

Since taking the Prozac I've started to feel a subtle change. Every day this week I managed to do one big project.
One day I cleaned Boo's room. Got out all her old clothes and baby toys, sorted all her other stuff, books, etc.
The other day I cleaned everything in the bedroom. After a few months of eBay I needed to organize and put away the packing stuff, boxes, tubes, put away the ironing board which I use for packing table.
Yesterday I cleaned the garage. Actually took the vacuum cleaner and did a serious number on the nooks and crannies.
The 'normal' housewife would probably scoff at these accomplishments, but they were huge for me.

I stopped feeling guilty about taking time to rest. My anxiety attacks are less often, but they still come, but are manageable.
I really worry about the future. Right now Wheelie is doing okay. But I am always waiting for something to happen.
He had a bone density test, and the doctor diagnosed him with osteoporosis.
So now I'm afraid his bones will snap.
It hasn't gotten to the point yet where I need professional help with him, but I worry when it will come. Where do I go. Will we be able to afford it.

Basically, life is on the fence. Quiet before the storm. I need to concentrate on TODAY only. The meds seem to be helpful.
We shall see.