Friday, July 30, 2010

Calgon...take me awayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

I am having secret thoughts about sneaking away by myself. Somewhere at the beach, or at a nice spa with a large pool, where I can get a nice massage every day, go for long leisurely swims, sit in the sun, or in the shade.
Have someone feed me scrumptious meals.
Read a few good books.
Do a gigantic complicated jigsaw puzzle.

Just all by myself.
So I won't have to talk, listen, get up every two minutes to DO something, cook dinners and lunches, clean bathrooms, and do laundry.

Bring a small stereo and a box with my favorite CDs.


Thursday, July 29, 2010

Life marches on........

It has been two months since my father died.
We all seem to be coming to grips with it now, slowly. I won't speak for my brothers, as I haven't spoken with either one of them since, but my Mom, sister and I are doing fine.
The phone calls are getting more spread out during the week. Mom is getting into her new routine. As the last little items from the funeral are being settled and she is now preparing to finalize ordering the little stone and picking the place at the cemetery. She wants it to be next to a little pond, because Papa loved fishing. :>)

I can only imagine the new world that is opening up for her now. She has never in her entire life been on her own. So unlike my sister and me.

So life is settling down. Here at home things are going well.
Boo started a new daycare past Monday and LOVES it. She smiles going in and smiles coming out.
She really needs this, making little friends, learning stuff, playing, not being around two old people who huff and puff after noon.
She grows before your very eyes. Tall and skinny, like her Momma.

Bugs is looking good. She likes her job, even though the hours have been a bit off lately, but she loves the bar tending. Makes decent money. She has gained some weight, has no longer any kidney problems.

And now she will have some time for herself while Boo is at school. Something she needs. Time to get to the bottom of her house situation. The house still doesn't seem in foreclosure. The loan now carried by B of A. This after countless phone calls and stonewalling from the lenders. I have no earthly clue about any of this, but one thing is certain. She needs the get this monkey off her back.

A few months before Christmas I allowed Nana and grandpa to visit with Boo. As you might remember, I did that without anyone knowing. Things got out of hand. Nana became pretty pushy, wanting more visits and more interaction than I was able to provide. When they came to our house at Christmas, I told them that I was no longer going to be able to let them visit Boo without her mother's permission. Needless to say it upset them, and I felt bad.

On the other hand, I didn't need the stress over this issue. It's not my problem. It's not their problem. It's an issue that needs to be resolved by Daddy and Bugs. And since Daddy still has about 14 months left on his jail sentence, and since he doesn't seem to have any interest in his daughter (He COULD send her a card fro her birthday or for Christmas etc) I have a feeling that Bugs won't let them see her any time soon.

Nana emails me sometimes, sad, desperate emails. I don't write back. I told her I wasn't going to.
Nana is a bit over the top. Perhaps that sounds harsh, but believe me. She is.

The last email was written all in caps. They went to see a lawyer (something they threatened ME with a few months ago). I don't know why they bothered. According to the law here in GA. the (unmarried) father and his family have no rights. Bugs is the only one who can and will determine what will happen in regard of her daughter.
Considering the destructive path he decided for himself, no judge in this state will allow him custody, or unsupervised visitation.
In her letter she wrote that they talked with a lawyer, who advised them to "work it out amongst yourselves", and that they would not like any decision they would get from a judge. Not at this point.

It has been a relief not to have to deal with this problem. I am so grateful Bugs has a stable life now, with a decent guy, both working hard, saving their money. But most of all, she seems happy.



Monday, July 5, 2010

Time is just going too fast.............

It has been over a month since we said goodbye to our father.
My sister sailed to England with her friend for a much needed vacation.
My brother stayed with Mom for another few weeks and also went back home eventually.
It has been such a strange month. It feels like I've been in a long dream.

Grieving is such a strange thing. We all grieve so differently.
Mom keeps herself busy. Trying to stay "strong." Not really wanting to get too emotional.
I have talked with her almost every day. She has been cleaning closets, putting papa's stuff away, getting rid of his leftover meds, his clothes. I am so glad/privileged she told me that she has been crying, that she still goes back and forth from the kitchen to the living room wanting to tell him something.
She feels she is running into him all the time.
She cries when she tells me: we sure had a good life, didn't we? Always had fun....
She misses him. I knew they loved each other. But not until I saw her interaction with my father during the viewing did I get a real sense of how much they were one.

If she would have had the chance she would have crawled into that coffin with him. Watching her talk to him, kiss him, stroke his face, told him how cold he felt...where are you....say something....
That was the essence of love. My sister, brother and I looked at each other and we all knew it.

He looked so peaceful, freshly shaven, hair brushed, nice suit on, a tie...his kind face so still.

Before he was taken to the crematorium, we all closed the coffin together. Such a defining absolute moment. He was really gone.

The service was very sweet. Surrounded by beautiful flower arrangements. We didn't plan it, but everyone ordered white flowers.
Ruud had enlarged the last picture ever taken of my father, taken on my mother's birthday, April 13. His face showing the essence of the man. The humor in his eyes.

The music we picked out was perfect, our little speeches went off without a hitch. While our guests walked by him and left the room, we all cried. We went and formed a circle around him and said one more goodbye. The priest pulled a big white rose from Mom's arrangement, dipped it in Holy Water and blessed the coffin. We all got soaking wet. Something my father would have loved.

It was nice to see many of the cousins again. All grown up, overweight, gray hair, we laughed at that, had a good time. I just wish I could have stayed a few more days, would have loved to talk with everyone again.

When we left the building afterward, I automatically turned around and asked: where's papa?
No one thought it was strange, it was such an automatic thing to say...

And here we are, an entire month later. I could blame it on my summer cold, and my lingering sinusitis, or my meds, but I've been existing in a daze.
Not really feeling awful and sad, but just melancholic, a bit empty. Just awed at human life. How someone you've known and loved so much all your life is just....gone...........