Time is just going too fast.............

It has been over a month since we said goodbye to our father.
My sister sailed to England with her friend for a much needed vacation.
My brother stayed with Mom for another few weeks and also went back home eventually.
It has been such a strange month. It feels like I've been in a long dream.

Grieving is such a strange thing. We all grieve so differently.
Mom keeps herself busy. Trying to stay "strong." Not really wanting to get too emotional.
I have talked with her almost every day. She has been cleaning closets, putting papa's stuff away, getting rid of his leftover meds, his clothes. I am so glad/privileged she told me that she has been crying, that she still goes back and forth from the kitchen to the living room wanting to tell him something.
She feels she is running into him all the time.
She cries when she tells me: we sure had a good life, didn't we? Always had fun....
She misses him. I knew they loved each other. But not until I saw her interaction with my father during the viewing did I get a real sense of how much they were one.

If she would have had the chance she would have crawled into that coffin with him. Watching her talk to him, kiss him, stroke his face, told him how cold he felt...where are you....say something....
That was the essence of love. My sister, brother and I looked at each other and we all knew it.

He looked so peaceful, freshly shaven, hair brushed, nice suit on, a tie...his kind face so still.

Before he was taken to the crematorium, we all closed the coffin together. Such a defining absolute moment. He was really gone.

The service was very sweet. Surrounded by beautiful flower arrangements. We didn't plan it, but everyone ordered white flowers.
Ruud had enlarged the last picture ever taken of my father, taken on my mother's birthday, April 13. His face showing the essence of the man. The humor in his eyes.

The music we picked out was perfect, our little speeches went off without a hitch. While our guests walked by him and left the room, we all cried. We went and formed a circle around him and said one more goodbye. The priest pulled a big white rose from Mom's arrangement, dipped it in Holy Water and blessed the coffin. We all got soaking wet. Something my father would have loved.

It was nice to see many of the cousins again. All grown up, overweight, gray hair, we laughed at that, had a good time. I just wish I could have stayed a few more days, would have loved to talk with everyone again.

When we left the building afterward, I automatically turned around and asked: where's papa?
No one thought it was strange, it was such an automatic thing to say...

And here we are, an entire month later. I could blame it on my summer cold, and my lingering sinusitis, or my meds, but I've been existing in a daze.
Not really feeling awful and sad, but just melancholic, a bit empty. Just awed at human life. How someone you've known and loved so much all your life is just....gone...........

Crazy..........

SGMKJ