Saturday June 24 2017

I'm not myself anymore.
The emptiness in my heart is deafening.
I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to talk to anyone.
I'm just spent. Can't picture my future.
If I could crawl under a rock and disappear nobody would miss me much.
Besides my daughter, who tries, her way, but just can't handle her sad mom at the moment. My granddaughter who I live very much, isn't much interested in coming over since the computer is fucked up. And oma can't afford to buy her treats. Or pay for her games online.
She likes it here because oma has the food she likes. I guess at home with seven people in the family there's no raiding the fridge, or having popcorn and Coke when she wants it.
I can't stop crying.
The last few weekends I spent in bed, watching TV with the sound off.
Physically I feel numb.
I don't care anymore.
I look like crap

I do try to eat right. No sweets, no pop.

I keep getting books from the library but never read them


Took Boo to the cat shelter the other day. She was excited. She lived it. And yes, so did I. Just to hold the kitties and the older cats was so soothing.
I can't afford to get one.  Adoption fee, pet deposit here at the apartment. Extra rent.
And then the stuff you need.....
Take down my breakables and plants. Vet bills....
And I'm still waiting for a smaller apartment....

My doctor is not going to be happy with me.

There are very few, three exactly, ladies who get me. And I'm so grateful for them.

My family overseas is pulling away too. Guess my maudlin ways turn them off and they just really don't understand.

My dearest aunt died a few months before David. And last year in holland I was blessed to spend some time with my uncle.
We were both so emotional. Both still hurting so much.
Well, he died on may 29th.
Just like my mom, died if a broken heart, body just gave up.

It would not surprise me if I go that same route.

It's the only thing that makes sense any more.