Atumn at last

What does depression look like?
Anyone know?

I decided to stop cold turkey with my antidepressants about three weeks ago. I just really hated the way they made me feel. Always just coasting on an even keel. No high or low emotions, no laughing out loud or screaming of frustration.

The withdrawal symptoms were mild. Headaches, dizziness, blurred vision. But that all went away eventually.

The old me is back. But in a way I've learned to curb my impulses...well...for the most part....
So the meds did have some benefit I guess.

It's still a chore to babysit my little Boo-boo. Mentally and physically. It's not that I don't love her or want her to be here, my body is just protesting. I try not to be so damn selfish about it. It's part of life. The duty of family when you need to pitch in.
Yeah, try telling me THAT at 9 in the evening when she is still going full tilt. :>)
She is a fun loving little kid. She LOVES going to "school" She has friends, is excited to go there, and also excited when I pick her up. We play hide and seek in the house, play with the many puzzles we have, She is an amazing story teller, goes into these fabulous fantasy playtimes with her dollies and her little animals. She is an absolute angel when she is asleep :>)

We all miss our father. Mom is much affected. Misses him, feels bad, is losing weight, can't eat, feels so damn lonely, her heart problems seemingly getting worse. The doctors assure her it's
"just" the stress. Yes, she does have heart failure, high blood pressure, but her grieving is making her sick. Telling her it's just the stress isn't helping.

She has no clue about finances. Is at a loss every time she receives a bill for something. I explained to her today that these bills will keep coming in for a while. Things are just catching up, being straightened out. Leave it to my brother or my sister to take care of. She cannot be expected to take care of the financial crap at this point in her life.
She needs rest, needs a soft place to fall.

As much as my sister helps her and is there at her beck and call, I feel an overwhelming guilt for not being there. So the phone calls will just have to take care of that.

Not sure if it helps her much. Not being so happy myself. Life is not very exciting at the moment. Everything seems to be coasting along.

We finally had some relief from the heat though. 80-some days with temps over 90 was enough to drive you nuts. Last night the thunderstorms and the rain made me snuggle under my blanket and smile, and say: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Wheelie and I have our little bedtime talk before his meds kick in. Last night I tried to explain how blogs work; how Facebook works. He doesn't understand how I manage to find all these folks from our past.
Which goes to show you how bored I am all day when Boo isn't here. I surf the net!

Daddy is out of jail. Philip found him on Facebook the other day. He must have been let go in the first week of August. Needless to say I had to check it out. Wish I hadn't. He is still the juvenile moron. Is proud to have kicked all his drugs, has been clean for 15 months. Well, no duh!!! He was in jail!

What really pissed me off to no end was that at one point he posted some rather vile garbage while using Boo-boo's picture as his profile picture. No one that I could see ever called him on that. His parents were pretty much enabling him to spout whatever he thought was funny.

Well, It got rather bad the other day, and my impulsive side came out and I wrote to his father.
Not calling anyone names, kept it real short, and to the point. Told him how disgusted I was about his behavior online, and that I was keeping hard copies of everything that was over the top.

Seems that Daddy's Dad didn't like my attitude. As always, they drew their wagons around their precious son. Accusing ME of being the bad guy.

Well, after that, Daddy did take off the latest rants on his page. He also finally discovered how to set his privacy settings. *lol*
So, not being able to read his crap anymore anyway I blocked him, his parents and his siblings. If only to stop myself from peeking once in a while. It's just way too upsetting.

But it sure felt good to poke the fire a little.

Of course Bugs hasn't seen a penny of child support. She went straight to DFCS to make sure they had her new address, just in case. Daddy had already been there. In my opinion probably a condition of his release/parole, he signed up for some father work program.

Right now he is working in a "salon" sweeping up hair and answering the phones. I'd rather see him working for the DOT, on the roads, filling potholes, directing traffic, soaking up asfalt, you know, dirty hard MAN work.

Bugs is waiting for the end of November. At which time if she still hasn't received any child support, she can start the whole business all over again, and have him thrown in jail again.

She was told that she will most likely never see any of the outstanding money he owes her (two+ years worth) unless he wins the lottery. She was frustrated to hear that of course.

So we wait again...she might alltogether just petition the court to have him denounce his parental rights. Screw the money.

And so it goes. Bitch bitch bitch bitch....................:>)

I am being told to find some friends, start a hobby. Hmmm...I am 63, been there done that.
I want to be retired, travel, go to the opera, the symphony, the museum.
Don't want to go alone. Wheelie is becoming less and less moveable. Has a rough time getting in and out of the car. Just doesn't want to bother anymore.

Could be worse, I know....:>)

SGMKJ