So much has happened

It's April, 2015.
It has been over a year since I looked at this blog.
Time is racing by. You wake up on Monday, and when you blink it's Friday.
It's mindboggling.

We have been in our new home over a year now. We like it. Although we don't go out much, and we don't go to any of the events they organize here, it feels like home. The neighbors are wonderful. They all like their privacy, but they are always have a sweet word when I meet them in the hall or in the elevator.

It's just a very safe feeling. To know we are in a place where we don't have to worry about maintenance, where the newspaper is delivered at our door every morning. Where the congierges are all terrific people, who call when the pharmacist delivers David's meds, or when the mailman delivers a package. Where you can go downstairs for dinner if you don't feel like cooking.

We have a new Hospice for David. A smaller company, local, although our CNA has to drive a ways to get here. But everyone is helpful. She comes every weekday morning to get him in the shower, or on uneven days give him a bed bath. On the weekends it's my job.

The last year, David's condition has spiraled down. At the end of the summer, it didn't look like he was going to make it to Christmas. He stopped eating, started getting sores on his butt from sitting, came down with a few colds, a few UTIs.
But he perked up again. Started eating more, and the crisis seemed to have passed.

He has lost much weight. His shorts are now so big they fall off his hips when he is upright.
His shoulders and hips and ribs and those long legs are all so boney. I can easily pick him up now so I am guessing he weighs around 120 lbs.
Eating is not something he likes much anymore. He eats about half of what he used to. Sometimes he doesn't have much of an appetite, and of course I am not going to force him to eat. Even his chocolate Easter bunny is still all wrapped up.

A few months ago, his nurse needed to replace his catheter. She could not get it in. Started bleeding. Something was in the way.
Off to the ER. where they rinsed him out and put in a new catheter. The bleeding went on for three weeks. His bottom was black and blue. Very scary looking. But the docs who saw him didn't seem to be alarmed, so we waited "it" out. It took a second trip to the ER when the bleeding was just ridiculously heavy.

We decided to go off the Hospice grid and go to a doctor in our insurance network. Which was frustrating, as I wasn't sure how this was going to go. But the insurance company covered everything except for the few ambulance bills.
The new urologist the insurance company gave us (HMO) was up in Blue Ridge. He also had an office in Atlanta, but I wasn't about to take him on those crazy freeways where accidents hold up the traffic for hours daily.

Blue Ridge is 75 miles north of us. It's a nice drive, no traffic, beautiful scenery.
I decided to take him in the Honda, as an ambulance would have cost thousands of $$$ and the insurance company would not help with that. So up we went.
The urologist took a look and told us that his prostate was enlarged, and that there was a possibility that the cancer was back as well. He suggested the attaching of a Supra pubic catheter. A small hole through the tummy, straight into the bladder.
It took tree more trips to get all that done, once for the pre-op and once for the actually procedure, and once more for follow up.
They wanted to see him a few more times (this thing has to be replaced every 30 days) but David didn't want to go anymore. The drive just wore him out.
The girls here can do it just as well. Everything healed fine, we don't see a problem.

In the meantime his PSA came back elevated, which meant probably more prostate cancer.
The doc ordered a neuclear (?) bone scan and put him on some anti cancer meds.
But what's the use. Why go through all that hassle when you know your life is coming to an end anyway.
So no bone scan, dumped the meds.

The past months his speech went from bad to worse to NO speech. It's almost like his tongue was cut out. He can't form the words anymore. So we try to communicate by just words, not sentences.
It's frustrating for him, so he gave up talking. It's frustrating for me because I simply don't understand him, and I don't want him to think I am ignoring him.
He sleeps on a special air mattress that undulates with his body. He takes sleeping meds as well as muscle relaxer, otherwise neither one of us gets any sleep. He is unable to turn himself over on his side. And sometimes he gets a couching fit where I have to suction out the phlegm.
No big deal.
But for a while there I was up 6 - 8 times a night.

In the meantime I roll with the punches. It really is not hard to take care of him, as he is not demanding, or in much pain.
We have our routine.
I get up, have my coffee and bagel and read the paper. the CNA comes and gets him up. He has his breakfast, then checks the TV schedule for soccer games.
We finally convinced him to take naps in bed, so he can get off his butt and avoid damaging his tender skin even more.
I take quick trips to the store, sometimes a volunteer comes and keeps him company when I want to take a few hours for myself.
But mostly I have adjusted my pace with David's pace.

This seems to be taking a long time. People wonder how I DO it. I have no help from family. Hospice is giving as much help as we want or need. I should not complain.

But...I was told that I had to look forward and prepare myself for 'after'
When David is gone I will take a huge plunge in income. So I won't be able to stay here.
I have checked out a few apartment possibilities, put myself on waiting lists, and hope for the best.
Trying very hard not to worry him, making him think everything is hunkie dorie.

I never did tell him I ran the Honda into a big ass truck, bending my bumper and hood.
Didn't seem like a big deal. Until I took it to a car service place for a tune up months later, and got some surprised faces when they opened the hood and wondered how the heck I could drive with the locking device pushed through the radiator and the AC thing.

$3000

Mysteriously, Capitol 1 offered me a credit card with a line of credit of $3000

So soon after our bankruptcy, it was really amazing! And also a sign someone or something is looking after me. Higher powers at work.
Thank you!

So now this old 2002 car can go a little longer, phew.

And with this I will end today.

SGMKJ!